The Dinner Wars
by Ephemeral Muse
Summary: It always starts out with a rainy Friday, doesn't it? How a small box of neon hair dye leads to utter pandemonium. And is that GUY wearing a dress...? Bel and Fran centric. Some mature language.


A/N: IT WAS A REQUEST, ALRIGHT?! I was given the prompt "Lovely Dinner" with the pairing BelFran. BUT....the genre....oh the genre....Have I ever mentioned how much I can't stand writing non-angst things? Really? This is so...ugh. I spent a WEEK. A WHOLE SEVEN DAYS. WRITING ONE THOUSAND OR SO WORDS. UGH.

**Great Question**...you better give me a five paragraph review for this. This is the FIRST and ONLY time I will EVER write ANYTHING that doesn't have a SINGLE bit of angst in it. HONESTLY, even** Dior Crystal**'s bday fic had angst in the middle. I. HATE. YOU. HATE. HATE. HATE.

Ohh...and before you people yell at me, I'll say this right now--**THIS IS NOT A ROMANCE FIC**. THIS IS HUMOR, AND ONLY HUMOR. SO SUCK IT UP.

Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!"'s characters, plot, and all other affiliates of the manga and anime belong to Amino Akira, meaning it does not belong to me whatsoever. I own solely this piece of literature, and thus I would also appreciate it if fellow authors and writers do not steal any of my work. Thank you, and enjoy "The Dinner Wars".

* * *

The Dinner Wars

_A Belphegor and Fran fanfic_

The Varia. The scariest thing in history since Elmo. Heck, they make babies cry even more than Barney (and we all know that's saying a LOT). They were the most bad-ass organization in the world, killing anyone who pissed them off and stealing whatever they needed. They were every child's worst nightmare, a modern version of the Boogieman...

...which totally explained why they were eating macaroni. Watching College Football. Oh, and did I forget to mention the fact that one of them was wearing a dress with a frog hat?

Mmhmm. Totally a child's worse nightmare. Because really, who eats macaroni without the _cheese_?

But we're getting a bit too ahead of ourselves.

One of the most lasting traditions in the Varia was the Friday Dinner. It didn't matter how important you were, or what kind of excuse you had— you just _didn't _skip out. Heck, even Xanxus isn't allowed to ditch, and if Xanxus can't ditch, then nobody can.

It also happens to be one of the classiest and most prestigious events of them all.

And thus, the stage is set for the lovely series of interactions between none other than the sadomasochistic Prince and the antagonistic Frog.

(You have been warned.)

* * *

It was all Lussuria's fault, really. Well, everything's always Lussuria's fault because he's Lussuria, but it was actually (legitimately) his fault this time. After all, if he didn't show off his collection of neon-colored hair dye to Fran, none of this madness would've happened.

Are you scared yet?

It was a rainy, boring Friday morning. Fran, having been kicked out of the bathroom by Belphegor (who just has to wash his hair right before the dinner), somehow ended up in Lussuria's room. Now, everybody with even a drop of common sense (Ryohei being the poor sap who doesn't have any common sense) knows that it's never a good thing when one ends up in Lussuria's room. Really.

And thus, during the long, cruel hour that Fran had to endure....

…he was continuously mind-raped by Lussuria, who just had to grab the first Varia member he could find (which, with Fran's crappy luck, turned out to be him) to gossip with. If listening to which F-class member was making out with some technician for a whole hour wasn't bad enough, Lussuria just had to start gushing about the haul he made at the mall.

Which would've totally sucked if Lussuria didn't totally shove multiple bottles of hair-dye in Fran's face. And even that wouldn't have been too much of a problem if Fran wasn't holding a grudge at Belphegor, who was ultimately at fault for Fran being stuck here in the first place.

Oh Belphegor, Belphegor, Belphegor...didn't you know? _Payback's a __**bitch.**_

* * *

So a multitude of events ensued, involving Fran sneaking into the bathroom and dumping a mixture of colors into Bel's conditioner bottle (Because we all know Belphegor doesn't get that silky smooth hair from plain old soap), Lussuria missing certain bottles of hair dye, Belphegor being oblivious, and of course...the Friday Dinner.

They were almost done with the first course, with Xanxus promising to scorch Belphegor's butt off for not attending, when a familiar click-clock sound rang through the halls. Fran, being his usual apathetic self, had on his perfected poker face.

"Shi. Shi. Shi. _Who was the __**peasant **__who decided to change my conditioner_?"

Chaos. That was the only word that could describe the situation at the Varia table. Squalo was guffawing almost as hard as Levi, and praises like "Oh, you're so CUTE, Bel!~" could be heard amidst the giggles coming from Lussuria. The only people not laughing were Fran and Xanxus...and even Xanxus was smirking.

"Trash...your purple hair is an eyesore."

And for once, Belphegor's smile was completely wiped off his face. Because as you all probably guessed....Belphegor's hair was bright. Purple.

"Shi. Shi. Froggy, you have five seconds to beg for forgiveness before I slice you into mincemeat~"

And Fran? Well...

"...It suits you, Sempai. Your hair matches with your shirt now."

Oh dear. That wasn't very smart, Fran.

And once again, the whole table erupted into a mass of laughter and giggles.

While stabbing his un-cute kouhai, an oh-so-very-evil thought popped into our Prince's mind.

Ushishishi...that peasant was so going down.

And thus, the oh-so-very-lovely "Dinner Wars" began.

* * *

Weeks went by, each Friday coming with waves of pranks. Fran's frog hat seemed to be twice its usual size one week, and Belphegor without his crown the next. From tie-dying Belphegor's shirt to drawing on Fran's face, the antics seemed more and more audacious, until finally...

"Sempai, I know you have strange fetishes, but do you really have to replace all my clothes in my closet with miniskirts--"

And on the sixth Friday, Fran was stabbed yet again by Belphegor. Only this time...

...Fran was hot. And wearing a short, fluffy dress. With layer upon layer of tulle.

However, the arguably most traumatizing thing about this ordeal was the fact that Levi had a nosebleed. Can we say "Stranger Danger" much?

No, wait, I lied. The most traumatizing part was....

"VOIIIIIIIII, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

….Squalo having_ his _closet switched out as well.

Long, silver tresses cascaded over milky skin down towards _her _slim waistline. A silver strapless dress, made of shimmery satin, brushed over thin, black stilettos. Ignoring the fact that _she _was indeed a male, the elegant_ woman _could've passed as a supermodel.

Ignore the previous statement. This was probably the _best_ part of this incident.

* * *

After over-turned tables, a resulting food-fight, numerous shattered plates, and a couple of bottles of wine thrown at the...male, we bring you to the present.

So this and that happened, and the end result?

_Two oh so very hot females_— I mean, a group of very dangerous and hardhearted men sitting in front of their plasma T.V., reduced to eating macaroni. Without the cheese.

The next morning, Timoteo, better known as the Ninth, received a four-page long formal request to cancel all future Friday dinners.

* * *

YES. SQUALO IN A DRESS IS WIN. I think that was the only part I liked in the whole thing. Like I said, I don't do anything non-angsty. I just DON'T. This was probably as fail as it gets, really.

And I think I DID mention before that this is NOT a romance fic. So sorry to disappoint.

**REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW.** I don't have anymore threats that I can come up with, so....please? With a cherry on top?


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